We never went to Kenya, Barbados, or St Kitts
We never went to Delhi so we never got the shits.
We weren’t sizzling in Cancun, whilst getting sozzled all exclusive
We didn’t ‘hop’ across to France (They said the locals were abusive).
We weren’t sleepless in Seattle, topless in Faliraki…
Or daylight-robbed in Amsterdam whilst high on ‘whacky-backy’
We didn’t need a passport – we never even left the ground!!!
No Euros, Francs or Dollars – we helped inflate the Pound…
It was pissing down all summer and on the good days it just spat
We made castles on the beach, right next to where the donkeys shat.
We didn’t need to take Imodium, or a travel sickness pill
We never even needed sun cream, because we went to…