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♥HEARTS AND ARROWS♥
(To be read in a Wide-Boy accent)

My name’s Barry and I love Heather
For over a year we’ve been going together
So to prove my love, I decided to do… what proper, true romantics do…
Enshrine our love with a ‘classy’… tattoo.

So the other Saturday in the Rose & Crown,
I sank a few of the local ales,
And when I was feeling as hard as nails
I went to this tattoo parlour in town.

Well I sat there waiting… and reading Page 3 of the Sun,
Whilst a school kid was having a Prince Albert done,
(A birthday present off his mum!)…
Then eventually this pierced, tattooed tattooist fella…

(Who clearly smoked too much cos his fingers were yeller)…
Came out oozing charisma & charm, and said…
“You’re next – hurry up – wot ya want?”….
I said, ‘2 hearts 2‘arrers’ on my arm… with ‘Barry loves Heather’ in a calligraphic font”.

Well they say tattoos are painful, but don’t ask me…
I passed out… two seconds into the letter ‘B’!
I awoke in a disorientated state,
With ‘Yellow Fingers’ saying… “Oi! It’s finished mate”.

And there it was in red and blue… my first tattoo…
Two hearts with Cupid’s ‘arrers’ through…
And beneath it – 2 names enshrined forever…
‘Barry loves’… WHO THE BLOODY HELL’S TREVOR??!!…

You could have knocked me with a feather!,,,
The flamin’ tattoo said… “Barry loves Trevor!”
I gaped at my arm full of angst and alarm….
Then I swore…. for England, France, Japan… Italy, Spain and… Afghanistan!

He snarled, “I’ll have less of your effin’ swearin’
Serves you right for being drunk and effin’ slurrin!”…
“You owe me 90 effin’ quid”…
That’s when I really flipped my lid…

Showed him he was dealing with a man – not a kid…
(Yeah. .. threatened to fetch my dad… I did!)
Then stomped out through the doorway, threatening to sue…
As I moped off home with my new… taboo!

(Tch…two blokes’ names – two hearts – two ‘arrers’…
I’m glad I wasn’t thinking of joining the Paras!”)
Then I thought about Heather, what was she gonna say?…
I’ve got a mate called Trevor and he’s gay!…

And next weekend we’re off to Brighton together!
Look nothing’s going on alright?…
‘Just 2 old mates on a stag night,
But she’s vicious when she’s suspicious, my Heather…

I was feeling decidedly under the weather!
In fact… I’ll admit I was milimetres from startin’ to cry,
Then… half-way home I happened to spy…
A shop window advert that caught my eye…

‘Boxer-Cross puppies 500 quid’…
I went round and bought one… I’m glad that I did…
You see there’s a final twist to this story…
Now everything’s worked out Hunky-Dory…

You see, I called the dog ‘TREVOR’…isn’t that clever?…
‘Barry loves Trevor’
And Heather loves him so much, the soppy moo…
She only went out & got the same tattoo!…

‘Barry loves Trevor’ – ‘Heather loves Trevor’…
Now we both match when walk him together!…
Life’s so sweet I could jump for joy…
”Come here Trevor… sit… GOOD BOY!!’

(Arrers = Arrows)

Copyright (c) MacMcFadden2008

“JUST ANOTHER SLOW DANCE”

Saturday night in a Northern town, there was a disco on at the civic hall,
The dance floor lights were dimmed right down, except for circles of stars from the mirror ball.
The slow dance… that one last chance, to find a desperate sniff of romance.
And as the animals went past 2 by 2, I looked across and spotted you.
You were chewing gum and your hair was a mess, I asked you to dance and you said “Yes”.

We took to the floor, a little unsure,
And just by way of breaking the ice…
I lied and told you your dress looked nice!
And call it emotion, call it confusion… but you snuggled in close… and I got a protrusion
And I limped with you in a circular motion… to ‘Suddenly’ by Billy Ocean.

You waved across at your best mate – Pam… she was off her tits on Babycham!
In a dress that was little more than a slip… being dragged on her feet, by my best mate Pete,
Who had the cheeks of her arse in a vice-like grip!
As she gave him ‘twos-up’ on her cigarette… you’d never have guessed that they’d only just met,
Anyone would have thought that they were going steady… she’d given him three big love bites already!

There was a beautiful fragrance wafting from you… and as we danced, I became entranced…
By the smell of your Woodley Green Apple Shampoo.
And as we twirled in the smog of the dry ice, I knocked you bandy with my dad’s Old Spice.
Then you coughed in my face through the cigarette smoke… and your breath smelt exotic… Malibu & Coke!
These sensual aromas all started to mingle, as the DJ put on another slow single.

My hand snaked down and touched your behind… and I didn’t get slapped so you didn’t mind!
A watershed moment, right out of the blue… I could suddenly see my whole future… with you!
I saw us engaged in a restaurant – you clutching a flower… a violinist playing as we sipped… Black Tower!
I could picture you in the church in your wedding dress… still chewing gum and your hair still a mess!
Whilst we were pirouetting through ‘Nights in White Satin’… I was planning a honeymoon in Prestatyn!

It never felt so good, it never felt so right… I was in paradise by the mirror ball’s light.
Then “WHAM!” my dreams crashed down with a bump… as the music changed to a ‘Thumpety-Thump’…
Some Novelty song began to play… the lights started flashing and you blazed away…
Off you went with a ‘Trumpety Trump’.
Across the floor with some lump of a bloke, who’d bartered your heart with a Malibu & Coke.

My world was suddenly torn in two, as you eloped with this ape who’d escaped from the zoo.
For two slow dances I’d been the one, but the tempo had changed and you’d danced on.
My fire blown out – I shambled back… flaccidly to my lager and black.
One moment I’d been sniffing your hair & freely groping your derriere…
The next I was slumped in a polyprop chair…

Licking my wounds in the neon light, and drowning my sorrows till the end of the night.
Then I watched as you, the lump, and Pam & Pete, all followed your pheromones into the street.
Whilst to the satirical drone of… ‘You’ll never walk alone’… I started the long walk home on my own…
Cursing my luck and cursing you, as I headed for the solace of the chip shop queue.

Dejected and rejected, as I dolefully reflected…
That… what I’d been sure was the start of a new romance… had been for you nothing more than…
Just another slow dance!
~
Copyright©Mac McFadden 2008

This is one of the first performance Poems I ever wrote. It’s based on a true story from my childhood. It was initially viewed as it was intended to be perceived… as an innocent, childhood love story. Sadly today, some people  are now ‘over analysing’ it and bringing Gender issues into it. I stand by this poem however, as the innocent, childhood love poem it is…

 

“A GIRL CALLED SID”

I was in love with a girl called ‘Sid’.
She lived down my street when I was a kid.
The only girl in a Street full of boys…
She wore dungarees and corduroys,
And in Monkey Boots and football tops, she spent her reckless childhood days…
Nicking sweets from the corner shops and running amok in the alleyways.

She was the best Footie player in the Street,
She was like Maradonna with a ball at her feet,
She scored goals that made our pulses race…
She tackled than harder than Jimmy Case!
She could bend it like Beckham; she was good in the air,
And she went past defenders like they weren’t even there.

She could throw stones further than any of us…
Straight through the windows of the other school’s bus!!
She’d knock a can off a wall from fifty feet,
And hit you right on the head from the end of the street,
And when it came to scrapping, she was well-hard!!
But there was a budding young woman beneath the façade…
And as time went by, Sid started to glow
Her femininity suddenly started to show…

This street-fighting kid with the bloody nose,
Began budding into an English Rose.
She blossomed more with each passing day,
And I was falling for her, but I couldn’t say.
I think if I’d even dared to try,
To say how I felt, she’d have blackened my eye.

The other lads at school had other eye candy,
Were lusting for; Mary, Milly, Molly… Mandy,
Or Debby Harry, but I never did,
I lusted over my mate Sid!
She’d smile at me, those eyes would flutter,
And I’d just melt like heated butter.

When Sid sat on my chest to nick my sweets,
My heartbeat echoed through the terraced streets…
When Sid threw stones in my direction,
I saw every bruise as a mark of affection.
As Sid kicked the ball past me, I’d freeze,
As I stood there in goal transfixed by her knees!

Sid… with the crooked toothy smile,
Sid… who thumped me once in a while…
Sid… my roguish counterpart…
Nicked my bike then stole my heart!

I didn’t tell my dad… or confess to my mum,
They’d have probably been struck dumb,
If they’d found out that their street-wise kid,
Was head-over-heels with his mate called ‘Sid’!
So I didn’t tell anyone, didn’t confide,
Just kept my emotions bottled inside.

But I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep.
Cupid’s Arrow was buried deep
I had butterflies in the school yard…
My crush on Sid was crushing me hard,

Then one day the news came tumbling down,
That Sid and her family were moving from town.
My world was suddenly torn apart,
When I watched as Eddie Stobart,
Sent a big green truck called Ellie May,
It collected their stuff, drove it away…
And I haven’t seen Sid again to this day.

So if there’s a woman called ‘Sid’ out there,
Who used to wear Monkey Boots and shave off her hair…
Played football better than any of us,
And shattered the windows of the other school’s bus…
Well although it was such a long time ago,
I would really like you to know…
That, though the miles and the decades have kept us apart…
You still own a piece of my heart!

~
Copyright© Mac McFadden 2003